A shock of ice and fire
by Nickaej
Summary: When the people of westeros discovers fanfiction pair-ups, the continent is put into a state of shock. I dont own anything... all rights go to George R.R. martin and HBO
1. Joffrey Baratheon

Joffrey/Arya

Guys, seriously?! How can you see me in love with that little wolf cunt?! After she seriously sent her bloody beast to kill me?! If you ever write that kind of fiction again, I will have your eyes cut out and I will piss in your mouths… I might do that anyway, it sounds fun! THE KING CAN DO AS HE LIKES! YOU BETTER REMEMBER THAT! Now get out of here why you still breathe or I shall send ser Ilyn to cut your head off! Just like I did with that traitor to Eddard Stark! You better run now!


	2. Arya Stark

Arya/ Joffrey

Joffrey had my father killed and each night i am lying awake repeating his name again and again and again… He and the queen tore my family apart, and only the old gods know what he is doing to my sister… If she even survived… But you… keep pairing me up with that monster…! The boy who has taken EVERYTHING FROM ME! It looks like I am not going to sleep again as I will be saying all of your names again and again and again! So you better sleep with your eyes open right? You don't want to meet the people without faces… or do you?


	3. Sansa Stark

Sansa/Loras

Ooh ser Loras and I, what a splendid idea… I am looking at him from the balcony right now, and I can see him approaching the red keep. He seems so skilled in riding that horse like he is doing it all the time… he just go up and down… up and down… and up and down… I certainly would be better if I was to marry him instead of that monster… Hmmm… who is there!? NO, NO… (Whack) (bam) (smask) Ohhhhh… Why did you have me hurt now?

Joffrey: I didn't have anything better to do. I was beginning to think you were plotting something, and if you are trying to play clever with me girl, I will send word for Gregor Clegane. You can look forward to that "eye popping" experience… Are you still here?! Ser Ilyn, bring me that readers head!


	4. Loras Tyrell

Ser Loras/Sansa

I will not deny that Lord Eddard Starks daughter, Sansa Stark, is an incredible beautiful woman but I only had eyes for another. This one taught me how to ride long and as a master, but these dreams are better left for the night. Now, Renly is dead, murdered by his crazy brother Stannis.

Olenna Tyrell: Oh seven hells Loras, would you please look just a bit happier boy? Even though that my husband went over that cliff with his horse, even then I am certain he was smiling as he was falling to his death… Renly couldn't even handle a woman probably, so stop thinking about him do you understand? I don't understand why the readers like Renly so much… unless they are to the same sex themselves…


	5. Daenerys Stormborn

Daenerys Stormborn/Jon Snow

"Do you know who Jon Snow is, Ser Barristan?"

"That is Eddard Stark's bastard son, your grace."

"Eddard betrayed my family and he has a bastard as well. You told me that Eddard was a good and a just man, who would never betray his wife at home!"

"Your grace, there have been some rumours out there… you see the fans…"

"Fans… what fans?"

"The fans… your fans believe a little thing about you and Jon Snow…"

"What do they believe… Tell me!"

"Your grace… they ship you and Jon Snow so hard even though that a theory says that you may be related to him…"

"Are my fans suckers for incest or something?"

"I´m afraid so my queen…"

"Maybe I should feed my fans to my children then… have you seen ser Jorah? "

"No…"

"Find him, I want to speak with him…"


	6. Jon Snow

Jon Snow/Daenerys Stormborn

"Hey Jon…"

"Oh hello Sam… How's maester Amon?"

"Still full of life, but Jon I have something to tell you!"

"What do you want to tell me?"

"I have just talked with one of the new recruits, and he told me something that almost made my eyes pop out in disbelief!"

"What did he say?"

"That you may be a Targaryen…"

"WHAT!?"

"Yea… I didn't believe it myself; something about Lyanna Stark and Rhaegar Targaryen… and right now rumours has it another one of Targaryen blood has gotten herself three DRAGONS!"

"Me, a Targaryen!?"

"Yes, what do you think about that?"

"My father Eddard Stark raised me like his own, so even though what you say may be true, I am still just a bastard, still freezing my as off on this wall."

"But… there is something else you need to know…"

"What is it now?"

"The fans they would like to see you bone your aunt.

"… Come again?"

"The fans would like to see you bone the mother of dragons, whom you may be related with."

"Are the fans secretly thinking about fucking their own family members, since they like incest so much!?... Don't tell me you are a fan of it too Sam…"

"Well, she is pretty hot…"

"This is turning out to be a really good day… The others approaching the wall from one side, and from the other side comes incest hungering fans, and then there is you who also wants to see that… for the first time I am ashamed of you Sam… I am ashamed…"


	7. Sandor Clegane

Sandor Clegane/Brienne of Tarth

That fucking cunt… didn't even give me the mercy kill… after having been defeated by that other cunt… Cunts everywhere… I think the only one who has ever shown me any kindness… at all… was the little bird… Life sucks and then you die… hahahaha… But I wish that I had the strength to cut the head of the fans, which pairs me up with that giant bitch… I can't believe I was actually defeated by her… in the end it doesn't matter anymore… My only hope is that the little bird is safe somewhere… But I will say it again… FUCK THE DECEASED KING JOFFREY…


	8. Brienne of Tarth

Brienne of Tarth/Sandor Glegane

Now I know… I know who it was… who let the dogs out… It was Tywin Lannister… He was the one who let the dogs out… and I have survived the encounter with one of them… Sandor Glegane… To the fans… who pairs me up with that mad dog… I'm going to smash you just like I did that dog… By the old Gods and the new, I miss Jamie already… He is probably busy fucking his own sister already… That's it… when I have found the girl, I am leaving these lands and I am not going back… I will travel to places where people are just a little more normal…


	9. Lyanna Stark

Lyanna Stark/Rhaegar Targaryen

As I am waiting here… in the tower… I can't stop thinking about how history is going to remember me… They will remember me as the wolf girl who couldn't control her cunt and led thousands of people to their deaths… My brother Eddard is an honourable man… he will be remembered for that… I am not going to be remembered for that… but I have just as much honour as he has… That dragon kidnapped me… He needed me to for fill some kind of prophesy he read in a book… Too the fans that think of me as an honourless woman… well, fuck you! I am better than that! I do have a bad feeling that I won't live to see the end of this war… I wish to lie beneath Winterfell, in the crypt alongside my ancestors… I hope I can make Eddard promise me that… and Robert… WIN! Stop the dragon once and for all… I do have a plan to take my own life… if all hope seems lost…


	10. Rhaegar Targaryen

Rhaegar Targaryen/Lyanna Stark

The dragon needs three heads… After having read the prophecy, I have tried to be better at everything… Taking riding lessons and fighting lessons, to be a great warrior… As I look at my wife Elia Martell… I get sad thinking about what has to be done… The prophecy mentions a woman in the shape of a wolf… I have no doubt that it is that Stark bitch, which the prophecy is referring too… To the fans I can tell you, that your wish will probably happen… But if you think I have any emotions for that girl… you are wrong! My wife Elia is the one, who matters to me…


	11. Gregor Clegane

Ser Gregor Clegane/Elia Martell

_YOU RAPED HER! YOU MURDERED HER! YOU KILLED HER CHILDREN!_

She was just a dragon bitch… no more no less…

_YOU RAPED HER! YOU MURDERED HER! YOU KILLED HER CHILDREN!_

I don't regret what I did to her… I am only sorry that I couldn't make her suffer even more…

_YOU RAPED HER! YOU MURDERED HER! YOU KILLED HER CHILDREN!_

Sticking my cock inside her while I still had her whelps blood upon my hands, was probably the most erotic thing I have ever done towards a woman…

_YOU RAPED HER! YOU MURDERED HER! YOU KILLED HER CHILDREN!_

But she was not a woman… she was just a dragon, and I gladly killed them… just as Lord Tywin demanded… even as I lay on this table dying… I have no regrets…

_YOU RAPED HER! YOU MURDERED HER! YOU KILLED HER CHILDREN!_

To the fans that pairs me up with her… I would like that… so I can kill her once again…


	12. Elia Martell

Elia Martell/Ser Gregor Clegane

The city is burning, and I can hear the screams of the dying as they cry out in agony. I'm together with my children as they cling to me. I wish I could have someone I could cling to… My dragon has left me for the wolf girl, and by the seven I hate him…

(Kapow)

Wait… What are you…! NOOOOO… let go of her!

Shut the fuck up bitch

NOOOOOOOOOOOO…NOOOOOOOOOOO!

Stab that child or something!

NOOO… I beg of you…!

Your dragon is dead bitch… He fell at the trident!

No… Leave my son alone!

Come here you little freak!

NO… you killed him!

Did you enjoy seeing his brains wiped against the wall!? Now I'm going to enjoy this…

To the fans that pair me up with Gregor… Go fuck yourselves!

This feels good… do you enjoy my mountain of a dick up your ass? I'm just going to turn you around now…

AHHHHHHHHHH!

(BOOM)

Did you see that… Her skull exploded… HAHAHAHAHA… Where is your dragon now!?


	13. Tywin Lannister

Lord Tywin Lannister/Olenna Tyrell

That old badger has heard too many rumours… My son and daughter are not doing anything disgusting… They are perfectly normal… I can't say the same for ser Loras Tyrell… He doesn't even look like a man… But I will say that Olenna is proving herself to be a worthy opponent… But the Tyrells are nothing compared to house Lannister… The Starks can be witnesses to that… oh that's right… I had them killed! I know that there are more to Olenna than meets the eyes… if she is plotting something… She and her entire house shall learn the meaning of The Raines of Castamere… and believe me… It won't be funny! House Lannister will soon be at peace again!


	14. Olenna Tyrell

Olenna Tyrell/Tywin Lannister

Watching Margery going around with a flower makes me think back to those years ago, when I was a young girl, and I was ready to marry my husband… Who died riding over a cliff… that stupid oaf he was for not watching where he was going… and he wasn't very smart either… he was as stupid as that stupid girl Sansa… and then there is Tywin Lannister… even though these fans likes the idea of Tywin and me as a couple… I would rather ride over the same cliff myself… and make the fans suffer the same fate… The thing is that Tywin is an extremely cruel man, who cares only for his family name… and not for any other people… but I must admit he stands so tall that I am sure he's cock is constantly standing tall… that must be why he is so aggressive all the time…


	15. Joffrey Baratheon 2

Joffrey Baratheon/Myrcella Baratheon

Haven't you guys had your head cut of yet?! And now you want me to marry my own sister!? Unlike that wolf cunt and that stupid girl Sansa stark, I will admit that my sister is a more worthy person then those two, but I don't want to marry family… do you really think Baratheons fuck each other? I can see Myrcella running around, playing with my younger brother Tommen. I must admit that Myrcella`s golden hair and her body and her face, makes her a stunning beautiful girl… WHAT AM I THINKING? I MUST THROW THESE THOUGHTS AWAY!


	16. Myrcella Baratheon

Myrcella Baratheon/Joffrey Baratheon

I am sitting nude in front of the mirror, readying myself to meet the king. It has taken longer than usual because my little brother Tommen came crying to me after Joffrey threatened to kill Tommen`s cat, ser Pounce of house Whiskers. Now when I think about it, Joffrey has never threatened me in any way, even though he treats me like I was a little dumb child. I would say to the fans that they shouldn't pair me up with him… Now, I just have to find that dress… Where did I put it…? Ah… there it was! It´s a very provocative dress and if I am wearing this… chances are that Joffrey will be in a much better mood…! He is the king and he can do as he likes, but if he thinks he can break me like he does with Tommen, he has another thing coming! If he sees me like this… chances are he will do what I tell him to do!


	17. Eddard Stark

Eddard Stark/Ashara Dayne

She is dead… My sister is no more… So many people death and we failed to save her… ser Arthur Dayne- The sword in the morning, are among them. I came to this tower with six friends, but only Howland Reed and I will leave this Tower of Joy alive… There are two things I have to do now… I made a promise to take her body back to Winterfell… but I must pay a visit to another woman first… But I am wondering how I can break the news to her… hurting her is the last thing I want to do… The mad king killed my brother so I had to marry Catelyn, but I honestly didn't want to do it… I want to be with you… Ashara… I want to be with you… But I'm afraid that I have lost you now…


	18. Ashara Dayne

Ashara Dayne/Eddard Stark

Eddard!? You are still alive; it's so good to see you again!

I am not going to die that easy Ashara my love…

Is there something wrong Ned?

Ashara… I went to the Tower of Joy and faced the Kingsguard so I could save my sister, but…

But what…?

Ashara… my love… your brother… He was among them…

No…no…no… tell me you are not going to say what I think you are going to say!

It is…

Noooo…. HOW COULD YOU! He was my brother! I thought I mend more to you then that!

(Baby crying)

It is okay Jon, mommy is going to protect you…

Ashara…

Just shut up Stark… I don't want to hear more from you…!

I brought your brothers sword back… We buried all the fallen with the stones from that tower…

… Thanks for burying him…

There is another thing Ashara…

What…

That night we were together for the first time… I will never forget that… all I want to do is to be with you… but I had to marry another woman…

…WHAT!?...

Ashara…

No… no more… you came here to me and the first thing you do is that you rip my heart out, right from my chest…!

I never meant to hurt you… I thought we could marry but we can´t… the only one I truly want to be with is you…

Eddard… I can't take much more of this… Take him… take our son and raise him among your "Trueborn" then… It's the least you can do for me at this point…

Ashara…

GET OUT OF HERE… GO!

Forgive me Ashara… But never forget… I truly do love you…

(Eddard leaves)

My brother gone… my lover gone… my son gone… it's such a nice view from this window… the water… so blue… looks so calm… I almost hear the ocean call out to me… Time to go visit my brother and the rest of my family… It is time… here goes nothing…


	19. Sandor Clegane 2

Sandor Clegane/Sansa Stark

When I think back on all the cunts I have met in my life, I am struggling to understand why I just didn't kill them all… Joffrey, Tywin, That golden cunt to Cersei Lannister and my mad dog of a brother Gregor… I did tell the little bird the truth… That it's not like in the songs… that only a few true knights are alive… but she is a stupid little bird… singing the songs they taught her to sing… she is a little bird in a den of lions… and if she doesn't learn how to play the game… she will die eventually… I know it… I hope she learns it…


	20. Sansa Stark 2

Sansa Stark/Sandor Clegane

Ser Sandor Clegane… He is not a true knight… but he kept me safe from harm… I will never forget that day the mob tried to rape me… and he came in and rescued me… He fled the city, when everything seemed burning… perhaps I was stupid not to flee alongside him… He had promised to keep me safe from harm… But he is one man against an entire country… I don't think he will survive that… but in my heart I really hope he does… I think he deserves to find peace within himself… Because he is not as bad as he's mad dog of a brother… Ohh Sandor… I hope you are alright…


	21. Salladhor Saan

Salladhor Saan/Cersei Lannister

I am sitting here on the ship and hear all these stories of the queen regent Cersei… I had a dream… in that dream, I'm standing before the queen regents, who is sitting on that iron throne and she asks: What do you want? And I yell at her: I DON'T WANT TO RAPE YOU, BUT I WANT TO FUCK YOU… LIKE YOUR BROTHER DOES! And for no reason I just leave the red keep, without saying anything else… I know that one day I will stick my dick so far up her vagina and I will scream: THE DAVOS SEAWORTH SENDS MY DICK IN YOUR HOLE AS A REGUARD! What a glorious day that will be.


End file.
